Tomorrow and beyond

Tomorrow is a day I have been dreading for the whole year. In fact, I have been dreading the next 20 days for this entire year. Reliving memories is emotionally takes alot of energy...The memories have been with me all year, but Dec 1, things started to get a little more real again.

I feel lost on how to remember her, but how to make the day(s) not a pity-party. I did make a flourless chocolate torte(with the help of a friend and my mom--it's been a crazy day here). Thought I would eat a piece in remembrance of her birthday tomorrow.

I have received a few notes/messages from friends today--God's timing is fantastic. I was just sitting in my house all alone and another friend contacted me and let me know that she had Daisy on her calendar tomorrow to help her remember. I know God will meet me tomorrow too, but I am fearing it with all (well most) of my being.

There is an innate fear that I just cannot shake. I am scared of the pain to come. But I guess there cannot be advancement without a few strides of pain.

In BSF we have been studying about Perfect Peace. I just hope that God will provide perfect peace for me tomorrow...Off to take a nap before our dinner guests arrive.

December 2 and 3 have so far been easier. Guess the buildup about December 1 made it less bearable. Or, possibly it is because I am busy preparing for our annual Christmas party that we host.....The party is definitely a highlight and I am excited for it to arrive, but will be sad when it is over.

Currently making pumpkin pies, then on to my chocolate pies. I don't usually make pies, but am excited to have something different at the party.

Off to continue my baking frenzie...Asked Matt to take Lily out for pizza tonight so I can bake, but thinking that I should join them. Afterall, some of the girls offered to bring dishes (I rarely take them up on it) but I did this year. I usually LOVE doing it all as a gift to them....But, this year is different :)

My smart girl

December 1 is here. One of the many dreaded days. Just as expected, my heart hurts. I have to remind myself to breathe....The pain is great.

Lily is a smart cookie. That girl remembers things from months ago. During the summer when we were on a walk, The tornado siren sounded at noon. I told her about how sometimes it is a warning and we have to go the basement when we hear it.

Today, the tornado siren sounded and she said, "We go to the basement." It has been months since we've talked about it!!! I could not believe she remembered that we had to go the basement!!! I had to explain to her that today was only practice. However, she still wanted to be held. She said her baby was scared too....Oh my!

Off to work on my BSF homework. The lady at BSF today said that they loved it when Lily was there.....Wish they could see my disobedient 2 year old at home. Why are kids always better for others? I guess that is a good thing. I wouldn't want her to be down right naughty like she is at home right now!

I am missing FLORIDA. Matt and I made last minute plans to visit Florida for the week of Thanksgiving. It was warm, sunny, and as relaxing as it can be with a two year old in tow. A gracious someone allowed us to use a condo for the week. Lily made significant strides in swimming. By the end of the week, she was holding her breath, going under the water, and saying, "Mommy, look at me. That was a good one." Meaning, she went under water for more than a milisecond! It was very fun to watch her have fun. Matt and her played for hours in the pool, we got to eat out every night, and walked the beach (and to make sandcastles) daily. It was good for us to be as a family and to GET AWAY. To be honest, it was really nice not to celebrate a holiday. There was no pressure of cooking, getting dressed, being somewhere at a certain time. None of the hassle. Our Thanksgiving feast was at a local beach restaurant. I had peel and eat shrimp and Matt had blackened fish with fries. Very unorthodox. Very much what I needed.

Grief is irrational. And, so being unorthodox is what I needed to not be apart of this holiday. December is tomorrow. I have been fearing it all year. The month is beginning and the worst part of my bedrest was now. Excessive bleeding, daily trips to the doctor, an overnight hospital visit, severe cramps, holiday dramas, blah, blah, blah. However, there were several turning points in December while on bedrest too. Friends were stepping up and wrapping gifts, offering to help prepare Daisy's room, Bea offered to start cleaning once a week, my parents helped put some Christmas decor up, VB girls were still bringing meals twice a week, etc. I am attempting to remember the good. Sometimes though the irrational grief takes over and I just don't want to face the fact that it is December.

Matt and I (and Lily) put our tree up. Honestly, I just want to take it down. I don't want to do the holidays; if it weren't for Lily, I wouldn't participate in the holidays this year. I would not have decor up, I would not be buying gifts, I would not be going to holiday functions. BUT, I know that that is irrational. I know that I need to keep up some of the holiday traditions. Met with our counselor this morning. He confirmed that my irrational thoughts are normal. He also confirmed that I didn't HAVE to participate in everything. He encouraged me to celebrate the holidays, but do it in a smaller dose. It is going to be painful to have Daisy's birthdate so close to Christmas. Christmas is going to be hard. He encouraged me to endure some pain, but to allow myself to say no, if needed. Only tolerate a little. Next year and the next will be easier to participate more fully again. The confirmation that I needed to hear. I needed someone to tell me that it is okay to modify and do it with dignity:) and love.

Mac and Cheese

One of my indulgences is GRUYERE cheese. I love it. I cannot get enough of the Gruyere cheese. Seriously, I can just eat it. YUM. My favorite is Martha Stewart's mac and cheese made with Gruyere cheese. It is pricey, but a great recipe for the holidays.
I have copied and pasted it from Martha's website. It is under my favorite recipes tab on the left of my blog.

Henry is out of the NICU. Grandma is home from the hospital. Things are starting to look up. I am still very fidgety and cannot concentrate from the hype of last week. I am not sure if it is fear or nervous energy or what. I am not liking it, but the alternative is to take a sedative:) SO, I am trying to work through it. Thinking about going to yoga class tonight to help calm myself. I am not sure if that will work or not!

Think I am making leftovers for dinner. We made corn chowder from scratch on Saturday evening and it is sounding good for dinner. Maybe with a big salad. Maybe I will try a new recipe for dressing that I received from a friend in the mail today:)

When It Rains, it POURS!

I am totally numb. Literally and figuratively.

On Monday, Henry got transferred by a NICU team from DeKalb Hospital to Dupont Hospital to the NICU. Candace got released and was able to visit him several times this week. His bloodcounts--glucose, platelets, and white blood cells were not at the "normal" levels. So, they wanted to monitor him and make sure that he was improving. Thankfully, he improved and is probably going to go home in the next 24 hours. I got to visit him on a couple of occasions. Being in a NICU again was definitely traumatic. Ironically, last time we met with our counselor he encouraged me to go sometime. I told him I would probably only go back to the NICU if I knew someone there....I guess the "joke" was on me.

Was it hard to be back in the NICU again? YES. Sounds, smells (same soap smell), fears, doctors, feeding storage and regimens, talk of levels, etc. It was hard. However, when you love someone, you have to be strong and willing to walk with them through some of life. One of the sweetest moments all week was when Briton and Candace opened up to me about how this experience has helped them get a glimpse of what Matt and I have been through. Thankfully, they will not experience the loss because their baby Henry is coming home SOON. And, I am sorry they had to get a small understanding of the 20 days of NICU life that we experienced.

As I got home from the NICU on Tuesday, I realized that someone had broken into our house during the day. They took most electronics. IPODS, printers, computers, flat screen TVs.....However, with Henry in the NICU, the "stuff" that was taken did not affect me much. I am grateful that 1) I was not home 2) Lily and I are fine 3) No cash or jewelry was taken or anything else with sentimental value 4) I ordered a new printer for our business of selling recipe cards and it is AMAZING 5) My wonderful husband had everything backed up automatically every night so recovery on business files was simple.

To ice the cake, my grandma is in the hospital. Actually, she is being transferred to Lutheran in an ambulance this afternoon. I am devastated. I just hope she can pull through. Matt visited her today before her transfer and he said she was in good spirits. I love her and know that even at 81 years of age she is a strong woman. I am just praying that she can play a few more card games with me (as well as other activities!)

I truly think I am in shock. I am devastated by it all and yet thankfully God is providing a peace. My face and body are numb.

I am supposed to go to a show tonight for our recipe cards. The host of the house said I could just drop off a few things so I think that's what I am going to do.

Off to print MORE recipe cards. We got SO many orders this week. Now that our printer is up and running again, I must get them out in the mail!

Baby Post is HERE!!!! Candace had a rough delivery early Saturday morning. However, baby Henry Paul Post is here and doing well.

Thought seeing the baby for the first time would have some affect on me. It did. However, it was different than what I expected it to be. Because of the rough delivery, they have been watching his platelet count and kept having to stick him with the needle in his heel and legs. And poor Henry kept whimpering and crying. It was really tough for me to watch him go through that, since I had watched Daisy go through that over and over. The worst part is that Daisy had tubes down her throat so I did not hear her cry. When Henry was crying, I just kept thinking how much pain Daisy must have been in and we didn't hear it. I knew she was in pain and I knew she would have been crying if she could have. However, it is easier not to think about it when she was going through it, since I was pretty much helpless. They kept telling us when Daisy was in the NICU that she was on pain killers so she didn't feel it as much. BUT, I know she still was being poked and prodded more than you want your baby to be.

I am still processing the new baby in the family. I am truly happy for Briton and Candace. Lily is a little jealous, but will adjust. I struggle with the fact that Daisy would have been a perfect fit. Two girls and a boy. The three of them would have had so much fun. I am happy Lily finally has someone to play with though. She is always taking care of her baby doll: feeding her, changing her diaper, putting her to bed. So, to actually have a real baby to help take care of, then to have a cousin to play with will be fabulous. Briton and I did not have that growing up. All of our cousins were much younger. Even though Lily doesn't have a sibling, I am grateful that she is going to have a cousin. I can just imagine them at the lake swimming together and at Chritmas playing with each other's toys.....I cannot wait til Henry is able to PLAY!!!

Picture is of Briton holding his new son, Henry Paul Post 5 pounds, 10 ounces.

I love having a houseguest for a couple of days. It is fun to break up the mundane activities of life with a break in routine. My Aunt Dusti was here visiting and was supposed to stay with my grandma. However, Grandma has a really bad cold and so Dusti ended up staying with us for a couple of nights. It is nice to have someone else (another adult female) around; someone else to bounce things off of; someone to cook for; someone to stay up late and chat with. Now, she's gone.....And not sure when her next trip back will be. I would love to visit her in Belgium again. Not sure if I will get that opportunity or not. BUT, if I had my druthers, I would be planning my next trip.

After having the excitement of a houseguest, I am now finding myself a little lonely and wandering around the house without much purpose.

Our little helper

Lily loves to help. She loves to be doing whatever we are doing. If we are pumpkin cookies, she is helping. If we are fixing one of her toy kitchen, she is helping. If we are cleaning the garage, she is helping. Two of the pictures listed are proof that she LOVES to help!

The other pic is of her on the jungle gym just around the corner. She got brave and wanted to do the balance bars...Matt helped her, but she did a fantastic job.

It was another busy week. I like the busyness, but sometimes the monotony of the busyness makes me depressed. Every day is different, but really it is all the same. We went to Chicago last weekend and I think that helped. Getting away from the monotony helps break it up. I am concerned about November and December though. It is going to be a long couple of months.

The memories of bedrest come and go. Today I was standing by my magazine basket in the family room (where I spent every waking moment of bedrest, except when I was at the doctor which was a close runner up...haha). Anyway, I was standing there thinking I needed to clean that area up, but I think there are some remnants of bedrest. So, I just ignored it....And then I turned the corner and thought, I really should move the tote of Daisy's things that are sitting in my dining room....But I didn't. It is still sitting there. I guess I am somewhat paralyzed. Numb. I think numb is a perfect way to describe it. I am living a new normal, but am going through the motions somewhat numbly/emotionless. However, there are upcoming dates that will probably will make me emotional, so I guess numb is an okay place to be for now.

And, I am finding joy in some things again. Joy in Lily.

And there are some frivolous things that I can do to help me try to feel...like shopping, going to lunch with Lily or a friend, taking a walk in the warm fall air while kicking the rustling leaves, eating pumpkin cookies or caramel apples, seeing new life.

Growing (literally) UP!

Lily is GROWING. Her 2T clothes that fit a few weeks ago have been put in the "too small" bin and I am pulling out her 3T clothes! Thankfully, I had recently purchased a few new things for school and decided to buy them in 3T!

I really realized how much bigger she is getting last night. At 3AM she was crying. Not sure why....But I went in and picked her up to rock her for a minute. Usually her head is on my chest and she wraps her legs around my sides and hugs me from the front while we rock. SHE WAS TOO BIG to do this. Her head was on my shoulders and her legs were hanging awkwardly down off the rocker. I almost had a mini panic attack.....I have enjoyed the growing up process, not wistfully wishing she was still younger. I like that she can walk, talk, eat on her own....Last night was one of the first times I was so sad that she wasn't my "baby" anymore.

Here is a pic of her on her way to school this morning. She LOVES her new backpack!!!

The other pic is of Lily in her big sister dress. We didn't even ask her to pose, but what a wonderful pose!

Got some chicken out of the freezer and need to figure out what I am making tonight. Off to figure that out.

Feeling like I am running a million miles an hour and cannot get caught up!!! Part of it is that we did a show for our recipe cards on Sunday. All of the stuff from the show is sitting in my family room. Need to go through and put it away. However, we got invited to another show on Nov 12th while we were there and we may do that. So, I don't really want to haul it all down to the basement......But, that is a MONTH away! Candace will be a new mom by then, so I am on my own for that show. Both shows are in homes of a couple of girls we met. The one on Sunday was amazing--very fun to be apart of!

Lily said to me yesterday morning--"I a big gouwl and I a pincess." (I a big girl and I a princess!) She talking nonstop right now and Matt and I are giggles several times a day. She has such an imagination. Many times a day she is a monster, monkey or a spider. She even crawls around like a spider. (She is pretty girly so crawling around with the possibility of getting dirty is pretty major.) This morning she was jumping on my bed singing, "No mour monkeys gumping on the bed!" I need to start documenting the funny things that come streaming out of her mouth. They just happen at the most random moments. Wish I had a video recorder on me every moment to capture it all.

Off to work on laundry. Matt and I are going away this weekend. I must get caught up before we go.

A word from Emily Post....I really wish she was family

Took Lily to Debrand tonight for the first time. We had a gift card that we needed to use up. She was tired, so we didn't get quite the reaction we were expected as she was looking at the chocolate. BUT, she still LOVED EATING the chocolate! I will get a picture from Matt's phone and post it soon.


I got this from 1 800 Flowers.com and think that it is great advice for hostess gifts. Thinking ahead to our next week, I need a hostess gift for a friend that has little room for more THINGS because she lives in a small condo. So, I was googling hostess gifts and thought this information was helpful for more than just an overnight stay....I know that this is a little random, but I think hostess gifts are important and in our culture, I feel as though we often do not think ahead and take one. I know I am guilty of it......So, here are some good insights on when, where, and what:


Host and Hostess Gifts

When should I bring a host or hostess gift?

Cocktail party
Host and Hostess gifts are completely optional for cocktail parties. But if you’re in a generous mood, a bottle of wine or a batch of blueberry muffins for the next morning—or, for the holidays, something seasonal, like an ornament—would be thoughtful. Be sure to enclose a gift card so the host won’t wonder whose thought it was that counts.

Dinner party
Yes, bring a gift, but keep it simple and under $25. Anything that distracts the host may be a nuisance. A bottle of wine, a small potted plant, a flower arrangement already in a vase, candles, or soaps are better bets. Present the gift to your host when you arrive, or leave it on an entry way table if your host isn’t there to greet you.

Casual get together such as brunch
A gift is optional. You may choose instead to bring something to the meal—a side dish, dessert or drink. But ask: just showing up with a tray of Danish puts the host on the spot.

Overnight stay
A gift is mandatory. You can present the gift upon your arrival, during your stay, or after your exit. Consider giving your hosts something you note in the course of your visit that would be right for them, like a tray that goes with their color scheme. The longer the stay, the more expensive or elaborate the gift. For example, for a weekend stay, you may decide to send flowers. If you’ve stayed for three nights or more, a gift certificate to the host’s favorite spa or restaurant would be a good bet.

What do you give the host who has everything?
Everyone likes a thank-you. Even the simplest token can have an impact—flowers, homemade jam, or a batch of your fabulous chocolate cookies.

Should you send something if you're not attending?
There’s no need to send a gift to a host or hostess if you’re not attending the event.

If I call a host the next day to thank her, must I also send a note? Is an email acceptable?
A call the next day is always thoughtful. For a dinner party, a phone call is enough. For informal gatherings among close friends, either a call or an email is fine. But after an overnight visit, a handwritten note is the way to go.

If a dinner party guest brings me a special gift, should I acknowledge that thank-you gesture with a thank-you note?
A verbal thanks is sufficient. But if you didn’t get to thank your guests at the party, you do need either to call or to drop a short note so that your guest knows you received the gift.

If I bring a gift or a contribution to a dinner, do I still need to send a thank-you note afterward?
If you’ve brought a gift or contributed to dinner and said thanks verbally for a wonderful evening, a written note isn’t necessary.

Perfect Host and Hostess Gifts

* Bestselling book of interest to the host
* A fresh flower arrangement in a vase
* Hand towels for the powder room or beach towels for sunning
* Packages of cocktail napkins, perhaps with the host’s monogram
* Calendar for the coming year
* Bottle of liqueur or cognac the host is fond of
* Sturdy canvas tote bag
* Unusual kitchen tools such as a pasta lifter or egg separator for an avid cook
* A dozen golf balls for a golfer
* Set of nicely packaged herbs and spices or a selection of peppercorns (black, white, red, green)
* Picture frame, with a picture taken during your visit sent later
* Candles and informal candlesticks
* Houseplant in a simple yet decorative pot

When to give?
If it’s a dinner party, offer your gift when you arrive. Overnight guests can give upon arrival or during their stay. A gift can also be sent once you return home, once you’ve had a chance to see what the host may need.

Re-gift a Host or Hostess Gift?

The Wine Bottle Redux
Is it ok to recycle that bottle of wine you received from a guest at the dinner party you held last week and give it to the host or hostess of the party you’re attending tonight? What about the lovely box of chocolates you didn’t open because you’re dieting?

Regifting has become part of our culture—and a hotly debated topic. Is it OK to pass on a gift you’ve received to someone else? Is it ethical? The answer is a very qualified yes. Regifting can be done, though rarely, and under these very specific circumstances:

1. You’re certain the gift is something the recipient would enjoy.
2. The gift is brand new (no castoffs allowed) and comes with its original packaging, box and instructions.
3. The gift isn’t handmade, or one that the original giver took great care to select.
4. Neither your gift giver nor your recipient will be upset.

Simply put, you have to make sure you don’t hurt feelings—neither the original giver’s nor the recipient’s. For instance, if you received a set of wineglasses from your sister-in-law that you didn’t need, do you think she’d mind if you passed them along to a friend who just bought a house? Do the two women know each other? Would it be awkward if they found out? Is there a chance your friend might need to exchange the glasses for something else herself, and if she asked you where you bought them, what would you tell her?

When in doubt, do not regift. Only you can decide whether to regift—and how to do it appropriately. Think through each situation carefully, and if you’re in doubt, don’t do it. A gifting gaffe isn’t worth the price of a coffeemaker or bottle of wine.


About the
Emily Post Institute
The Emily Post Institute, created by Emily in 1946 and run today by third generation family members, serves as a "civility barometer" for American society and continues Emily's work. That work has grown to address the societal concerns of the 21st century including business etiquette, raising polite children and civility in America.
Read to find out more about Emily Post Institute and the Etiquette Expert

So my new mommy attire is quickly becoming sweatpants and a cute top. Seriously, I have decided I am really okay with it. At first, I felt like a bum. However, I am getting more comfortable by the moment. Some days, I try to change clothes before I go out in public. Most days, I have decided that throwing on a scarf and possibly a hat turns out to be cuter than a sweater and jeans.

I ended up buying several things at Old Navy online recently. They are always have discounts via email AND their stuff has gotten much more stylish. Old Navy and Gap both carry tall sizes and they are typically the same price as the regular sizes. I got 9 tall sized shirts (and a pair of sweatpants) through Old Navy last week for $86!!! You cannot just go buy 9 cotton, long shirts (with embellishments!) anywhere for that!!! Definitely gave me a little boost.

As for Lily, she has the most adorable clothes of us all. So, if I am with her, I am sure everyone is looking at how fantastic she looks and barely pays much attention to me anyway!

Off to clean up my house a little bit. Then, I must work on Trifle some more. We have a show on small holiday show on Sunday.

A Psalm that seems most appropriate

Psalm 40:1-3a

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth; a hymn of praise to our God."

The week is over and the new week and month (oct!) is beginning.

I LOVE dreary Sundays that I get in the mood to bake. Today I made Polly's pumpkin cookies (posted on the Tried and True tab). And with the leftover pumpkin, I made my first ever pumpkin pie. I just so happened to have all the ingredients (whoa!) on hand. It is in the oven now and Matt is VERY excited. As for Lily, she doesn't know about it yet. I am sure she will love the pumpkin cookies, filled with oats and pumpkin goodness for her.

Pics are of Lily at the Auburn Fair...She got to go a couple of times and LOVED it, of course. I love the pic where Lily is on the ride (by herself!) and mom is in the background with a huge smile on her face.

I am glad the week is over.

On this day last year....

LAST YEAR AT THIS TIME....

On Sept 27, 2009, we went apple picking with friends. Lily and Austin had a great time toddling through the orchard, picking up apples, munching on the apples they could barely hold. I (was pregnant) pulled the kids in the wagon, reached high to pick apples, and wore a pink velour sweat outfit. (I am thinking that I may want to burn that outfit).

I started not to feel well, then I started cramping a little. We were about ready to leave the orchard and Matt was talking to the friends and I kept saying, "I need to sit down." I finally got in the car and vividly remember thinking, "I need to get home...NOW. I need to lie down." We got home and I headed STRAIGHT for our purple sofa (which we don't have anymore!) I was cramping and did not feel quite right.

All the sudden, I started bleeding. I went to the bathroom and confirmed my suspicion. And then, I started to panic. I called our OB office. It was a Sunday, but someone was on-call. I talked to my favorite nurse (Out of all the nurses on call, it was my favorite one!!! And you won't believe--I just saw at BSF recently--How amazing is that??) Anyway, talked to the nurse and she told me what I needed to monitor and what to look for. If certain things happened, I was to head straight for the ER. I was either miscarrying or I had a small (haha) subchorionic hemorrhage. After Lily was asleep, thing started happening and I told Matt that we had to go the ER. We called a couple of people to watch Lily, but no one was answering. The next door neighbors came over and stayed while we went to the ER.

At the ER, we had the best ER doctor. We really enjoyed him, despite the circumstances. We ended up being there for 4 hours. Testing, testing, testing. My parents came at some point through the hours we were there. We found out I was not miscarrying (I totally thought that's what was happening). Instead, the baby was fine. I had a subchoriconic hemorrhage. I was to be on bedrest for a few days, but to see my doctor about further care. I went home, ate dinner and laid on the sofa for the first of many days.

Little did I know what a landmark day Sept 27, 2009 was going to be. Little did I know, I would spend 13 weeks on the sofa.

Today, I started to do a few things that needed done. However, ironically, I am not feeling that well and have resigned myself to the sofa. The house is quiet for a few minutes and it feels very much like Sept 28th of last year. I am on the sofa, the house is quiet, and I am not knowing what the future is. I have, however, come a LONG way from last year. ALOT can happen in a year. Today, "standing on land in between" (those of you that went to Blackhawk yesterday will understand the phrase) my old life and the future. ALOT can happen in a year is a comforting thought. Although knowing what I know now, I know it may not be a "fun" year. I am hoping and trusting that the year will hold many joys.

Even as I read back through this post, I realize how many good things were there that day--favorite nurse, good ER doctor, Daisy was still safe, my parents were there for me when I needed them, we have great neighbors. WE ARE BLESSED. God was looking out for us that day. Even though the past year has been horrible, there were amazing things that happened and amazing people we met throughout the process.

Daisy is still touching lives. I am telling you--I never in my wildest dreams expected that it would just keep going. Thank you, Jesus, for the opportunity to be a messenger of hope.

Pic is of Lily in her sister outfit (not edited yet). More to come!!! Thank you Ally for taking fab photos. Need to get a family photo taken. Haven't had a pro do a fam photo for a couple of years.....Murphy, the dog, was still around, so it has been 2 years!

Off to make dinner for the fam. Healthy nachos, homemade salsa, homemade guac....YUM.

Have an appt tonight with an alternative doctor. My fear: that my diet will have to change! Really, not a big deal, but I still rely on comfort foods, coffee, and wine. That is my confession. I may need someone to go on a special diet with me, if that is the answer....UGH.

Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. UGH. I cleaned my house today from top to bottom (except the toilets--that's Matt's job). Every time I do it, it makes me want to go back to work so that I can afford to have someone clean my house for me. Isn't that such a snobbish thing to say??? However, it is the truth. I love having a clean house, but HATE cleaning it. It does look good though, if I can say so myself. So, if anyone wants to come to dinner or stop by for dessert, tonight is the night! I have a clean house, dinner is on the stove, and I always have dessert stashed somewhere.

Ally is coming down tonight to take a few photos of Lily in her sister outfit. Mom got Lily and Daisy sister outfits (semi-matching) for Christmas last year, before I actually had Daisy. Daisy was buried in hers, but wanted to get Lily in a pic wearing her big sister outfit before she grows out of it. I have had a hard time replacing Lily's baby pictures above her crib because I just keep thinking that I should have been putting Daisy's baby pictures in them instead since she would have been sleeping in the crib. I am hoping that one of these pictures will work in the frame, so that I can replace Lily's baby pictures with some pics of Lily as a "big girl."

Check out my facebook pages for ALL the pics....Here are just a few:

The Daisy Walk/Run yesterday was a fantastic success. 155 walkers/runners! My Daisy was honored, new friendships made, old friendships kindled, and the support of many. I cried, and cried, and cried on Friday. The emotion of the day to come was overwhelming. However, the day of, I was calm and peaceful and ready to honor Daisy and the preschool by speaking at the start of the race and walking the full 5K (plus an extra loop to catch up with some friends). Pictures to follow. Dad, as usual, was behind the camera. However, getting pics from him can sometimes be a little challenging. HAHA.

I am not sleeping well. I sleep until about 3 or 4 in the morning, then I am only half-asleep. Cannot figure out what to do about it. Considering taking a sleeping pill because when I don't sleep, I am not rested and I am not rested almost every day. Every day, I am finding that I NEED a coffee to make it through, then I make it through, but am exhausted about 9. Go to bed, sleep soundly til 3am, then am semi-awake again.

Just got home from the grocery. Need to do a few things, then I think we are off to dinner with Zach(Matt's bro). He just arrived home from the Marine Corp boot-camp. Looks good--wore his Dress Blues to church this morning. Think he's lost weight, but looks and acts more mature and polite! We are excited to spend a few days with him before he is whisked off to his next Marine Corp assignment.

PS I walked into Lily's room this morning and I said, "Are you my cutie?" And she said, "No, I a princess" HAHA....

Well, the soup was a bust.....One of the only meals in our whole marriage that Matt wouldn't even EAT!!! I don't think it was that bad, but whatever!

Daisy Walk/Run is tomorrow, bright and early. If anyone still wants to participate, I would love to see your pretty faces.

I am a little emotional today--Big day tomorrow and I am finding that sometimes it hits me before the event. Then hopefully at the event, I will be calm and peaceful. Many friends, family, and others will be joining us and I know that it will be a healing moment. To think, one year ago, I was pregnant, had a job, and was excited that my girls would be 2 years apart. So much as happened in a year. I wouldn't take it back. Even though it has been and still is painful, I wouldn't change it. I was thinking this morning about how many new friends I have made and how Daisy has changed lives and how life is sweeter in the arms of Jesus. I know that am where I am supposed to be.....

Had our surprise shower for Candace last night. Everyone actually pulled it off--a true surprise!!! It was fantastic shower (Turners always have great parties!) I think she forgives me for keeping it from her. She kept confiding in me that she was surprised that no one had offered to have a shower. I felt so badly keeping it from her, but I think she is over it! She got many great gifts and I am excited to see the pictures.

Off to do some paperwork, bills, print cards for Trifle.

Starting many new routines

Lily started school on Tuesday. She went again today and did fantastic! I am so proud of her for playing with the kids, listening to her teacher, learning new things, and going willfully!

It is odd how sometimes we worry and worry and worry about something, then it turns out to be not a big deal at all. Have you ever noticed that??? I was so worried that Lily wasn't going to do well with getting dropped off at school. I thought she would cry and cry and cry. Instead, she did wonderfully. Same with BSF. I wasn't sure she was going to like it and I thought she would cry when I dropped her off. She was great. I have been anxious about these two things for months, but GOD knew that it was going to be okay. I had kinda come to the conclusion in the last couple of weeks that if she didn't do well at school, she didn't have to go....God knew that it was going to be FINE. Worrying for NOTHING. We do that quite a bit, don't we?

We also started BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) yesterday morning. I was a tad overwhelmed and truly haven't started my homework yet. (I attempted to start it, but couldn't concentrate on the words....something I have struggled with since losing Daisy). So, hopefully I will be able to get down to business soon because there is lots of material to cover.

It has been a good week, but a busy one. Have had several doctors appts and stuff too.....I am trying to figure out where I stand physically before I make any decisions on babies.....Although I am not really sure if it is helping me decide or confusing me further.

Off to start dinner. I am making a new soup that contains butternut squash, leeks, garlic, pinto beans, bacon, kale....I'll let you know if it is good and post it to the blog. Lily has been liking soup, so anything I can do to get veggies in that girl, I will try!

Lily eating breakfast before her first day of school!

And, cheesey smile in classroom before I leave....She DID NOT cry! I was so proud of her today.

Doctors Schmoctors

Frustrated today with my health. Doctors appointments, tests, blah, blah, blah....I just want my body to be "fixed." I want to "feel good," but I feel like I am falling apart. Aches, pains, and other issues are piling up and I am feeling like I am not ever going to be back to normal (and I might not!) Maybe I just need to get to a place that I am at peace with the fact that I am going to have aches and pains.....

However, I am trying to remind myself that I need to be thankful for what DOES work. My back is still working. I have function of my body. I am not on permanent bedrest. I am mostly functioning and mostly healthy. Everyone has SOMETHING that hurts.

Preparing for Candace's shower on Saturday. Have some surprises up my sleeve for her....Nothing major, but she always seems to know/predict everything. So, I am kind of excited to have the shower. Cannot believe we will have another baby in our family in 8 weeks. I will post pictures after the shower.

Picture is of Lily playing with a bubble maker. She loves making the bubbles then stomping on them. I think she played with it the other night so long that we have no more bubbles!!!

Indecision

There is the thought that it never would happen to you.....And then it does happen to you. Then, you think, surely it won't happen to me again. But, there is an underlying fear that is so great that you want the assurance that it WON'T happen again. However, there is no assurance. No one that can guarantee anything. Probably just like cancer patients, you just hope that it doesn't happen again....Hope that you learned enough the first time around and God doesn't think it is necessary to do it again. And yet, we are human. We are finitely minded people and we always have room to grow and learn....And that is the scary part. I am scared to death of even thinking about having another baby. I am scared to death of the word DECEMBER. I can hardly think that word with out a panic running through my blood and I start hyperventilating.....(I am not sure how I am going to make it through that month) So, why on earth would I choose to do that to myself again? I just cannot justify it. However, I know that when I hold Baby Post for the first time, I am going to have a hard time not wanting another little baby of my own to hold....I am caught in a never ending mental/emotional cycle of indecision.

Reviving my heart

Just got back from the farmer's market.....Feeling so revived. I LOVE GOING to the Southside Market. It makes me feel like I am in a different city/country. Many of the vendors, though, I have come to know and enjoy chatting with them and getting to know produce and them. I came home with homegrown carrots, flowers, pears (my fav variety too), leeks for my soup, red peppers, red onions, and strawberries. I am so glad I took the time to go this morning.

Matt and Lily went to pick up some tomatoes. We are canning one bushel today. Think I may add some of those jalapeno peppers I didn't know what to do with!

Picture is of Lily running through the sprinkler for the first time. She was LOVING it! She came in shivering even though it was 90 degrees out!

Days, weeks are flying by without me hardly noticing how fast they are going. Sometimes, I still have a flashback of not remembering what time of the year it is.....Today I was writing a check and couldn't recall what month it was. It is so bizarre.

Daisy's headstone was set this week. Matt, Lily and I went to visit her grave. One of the only thoughts that kept coming to my head was that we were all four together. I had a very hard time leaving because it was so nice for us all four to be in one place, physically at least. As we were preparing to leave, I could not hold my tears in any longer. Lily asked me if I was sad, gave me a hug and said, "It's okay." She becomes very sensitive if anyone is sad. It was sweet and definitely made me smile, then Lily said, "She all better."

Overall, it has been an emotional week. I had more doctor's appointments. The Daisy Walk/Run is coming up and I am EXCITED about it. However, it is also very emotional preparing and talking about it. If anyone wants to walk or run in the event, please let me know! Sign ups are available until September 8. Sponsorships are really needed also to support the preschool. I will be there volunteering and walking.

Matt's brother is bringing a girl home from Alabama this weekend. Must go get ready for meeting them for dinner!

Attached is a picture of Lily eating a Brown House ice cream cone while visiting Daisy.

HOT AGAIN!

Had two requests for the laddie cookies in the past 24 hours, so I posted the Neiman Marcus/Laddie Cookie recipe on the recipe tab (to the right on the blog).

Another hot day--90 degrees is just too warm unless at a pool or the lake. When is the weather going to break? It is a yucky feeling to wish that it wasn't hot and summery all the time! I love summer, but am ready for a heat break.

Spent the whole day working on finding a recipe for canning jalapenos yesterday, just to semi-figure out that you HAVE TO pickle them. I guess there is some sensitivity with jalapenos and they are at higher risk of botulism....WEIRD. The odd thing is, you can purchase canned chiles in the grocery store that don't have vinegar in them. Shouldn't you be able to can them too??? I don't get it. Spent most of the day researching it because I have 22 jalapenos from my garden and I am unsure what to do with them all!!! My freezer already has several bags full, so I feel like I should be doing something else with the rest of the peppers.....But I am not in the mood to can salsa.......If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them.

Off to work on Trifle....And figure out dinner.

One of the posted pictures is of the lake kitchen (where the windows are) and part of the family room (where the guy is working). The other picture is of Lily and I in the front lawn, by the bell, on the new lake lot.

Mid August

My poor garden is starting to fade. My squash is looking sad and my cucumber plant is almost dead. This constant heat is finally making them cave, I think. I am considering planting a fall harvest of a few vegetables. Possibly lettuces again and peppers. I heard of a girl doing that and she said it did well. I am not sure if it is going to work....And I am concerned about the nights in the fall that it frosts! We'll see how it goes. I need to get them planted soon though, I would think.

I am getting caught up from being gone....Paid all the bills and did paperwork today. However, tomorrow I need to work on Trifle's books.

Heard this weekend that one of Matt's high school friends lost a baby--a few days from the baby's due date and it was stillborn. I just try to shake it, but it is hard to not get overwhelmed with sadness for them as they start their mourning journey. To think they don't even get to meet their child that they were expecting any day. Also the fact that it is unpredictable....Our situation was high risk. I knew as I was on bedrest that delivering early was a possibility. I still didn't think it would happen, but I knew it was possible. They probably had no idea what was in store. Had a hard time sleeping last night and then I remembered something that happened while Daisy was in the hospital. I had a couple of people come up to me and tell me they were having a hard time sleeping because Daisy was on their minds and they would pray in the middle of the night for her. It was such a comfort knowing they were praying while I was sleeping. So, last night as I couldn't sleep, I prayed that they would not become bitter towards God, but they would see this was part of His provision. And, I prayed that God would comfort them.

Seems like there are many babies dying. Is it more than normal or am I just noticing it? Not sure which is true, but sad for them all, nonetheless.

I feel as though I cannot take on too much of their grief because I feel as though I myself am still overwhelmed with my own. What is the right balance? I just don't feel like I can allow myself to dwell on it much; and yet, am I supposed to be there for them if they need me??? Is this what God wants me to do? I just don't know the right answer or how to even go about contacting people that I have never met, and yet are part of our church/(former) school community.

Off to finish dinner. Homemade chicken pot pie and possibly a salad of some sort.

Butternut Squash from our Garden!

So rewarding to get items from the garden, then cook with them. Candace and I are cooking meals tomorrow. One of our meals calls for roasted butternut squash, so I went to the garden, picked them, cleaned them, and put them on a baking sheet! Voila! Ready for tomorrow as far as butternut squash goes.

Finalizing Daisy's tombstone wording tonight. Can you believe the concrete base was JUST POURED a couple of weeks ago? It is seven months later and we still don't have a marker for her plot done. However, once we finalize, it will be probably set within a week. Once it is set, I will want to go see it....But I think it may seem so final. Tomorrow is 7 months since her death.

Back home and the adjustment is not preferable. We were not ready to leave the lake! I could have stayed a few more weeks. Other than lack of having internet, I really did not miss being home. And during the last week, I even discovered that the Marina has WIFI! Some friends came to visit and there are always lake friends that are already there. Several of our family-friends have cottages near us. Lily and I were able to see them quite a bit. One of them became a morning walking partner. It is a different world, being at the lake. Lily even said as we were leaving, "No, I stay." HAHA.

It feels good being home in the sense of organization.....I have been working my tushy off getting organized and I still have a long way to go. Food, laundry, clothes, toys, mail....UGH.

Matt and I celebrated out 9th wedding anniversary while we were there. We had Lily with us so it was not THAT exciting, but Matt took the day off and we were able to spend it together.

Trying to decide whether to take Daisy's pictures off my fridge or leave them. They are everywhere and I am feeling a little overwhelmed about having them everywhere. Not sure if it is healthy.

Lake Living

Lake living is great. Other than the bugs we had the first few days, life has been good! We have had a few friends up, have gotten to swim most days, eaten good food, walked around the lake often, and just hung low too. Lily is loving being at Lake Gage. She is my LAKER and I am so excited to have her be my buddy.

We are home today to run a few errands and get mail/pay bills, then back as soon as Lily is up from her nap. It does feel good to be home for a few minutes. A month is a long time to be gone and yet it goes so fast! I have a HUGE pile of magazines/catalogs to work my way through while I am up there and haven't even started. Somehow the days and nights pass me by and I just haven't gotten around to it. I am currently reading The Help and it is AMAZING! LOVE IT! I am having a hard time putting it down. Lily is great about playing while I read, though.

Off to do a few more things around the house before my princess awakens.

Lake Bound

Fun week, leading into a fun month. Matt was on vacation, although he had to work quite a bit this week for being off. We ended up heading to Chicago to visit friends. He dropped me off and then went to Milwaukee on business. I checked off something on my rejuvenation list while in Chicago--took a cooking class. It was one of the most amazing things I have done in a long time. It was SO MUCH FUN! There can be upwards of 20 people in the class. Emily and I somehow ended up having a PRIVATE class and we were so excited. Rick, the chef, was ours for the whole evening. We chopped, marinated, broiled, grilled....And came up with fresh lime margaritas, Fish tacos, steak tacos, pico de gallo, salsa verde, mango salsa, and grilled pineapple with ice cream for dessert. YUM! It was amazing fun and we are definitely going to go back and take our hubbies next time. I will have to post the recipes--fish tacos were my fav. There were fabulous and Emily and I could not stop eating them.

Matt and I have spent the last 24 hours cooking and packing for the lake. We are leaving for a month to spend it at a cottage we rented. It is right down the lane from Lake Gage. So, we can visit my parents, as well as many LG friends. We are ready to be there and to walk around the lake, swim, grill out, read books, have bonfires, and just be at the COTTAGE!

Not sure how much I will write for the next month, as I do not have internet access. I think some friends do, but not sure how much I will actually make the effort to use it. I will be home once a week or so, so will try to update my blog then.

Well, must go finish packing and relax a little before bedtime.

Thanks Polly for all the comments on the blog-love to hear from you and all always.

Wanted to post this picture of Lily tubing last week. Cannot believe she is tubing at TWO years old! LOVE IT. She is my true laker--she's got it in the blood. Talks about Lake Gage quite a bit.

Monday and Tuesday turned out to be a little crazy again. Today isn't quite so crazy, but we did have new concrete poured on the front stoop of our house. Our old one was deteriorating. And we have a birthday dinner tonight for John, Grandma's friend.

Am working on getting all our laundry done, as I need to start packing for our month at the cottage. I am really starting to get excited about it, since we are leaving soon. Want to get a few things made ahead, like hummus and homemade dressing. So, I am going to be working on those last minute things alot in the next week or so. YEAH for an affordable, MONTH long vacation. Perfect for my soul. Definitely will give me time to heal even more. Being at the lake has always been so much of my being that I know it will be a healthy thing to be there.

IS 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

Dusti is here....and we have been busy!

The week flew by....I cannot believe it is already Sunday.

My Aunt Dusti is here, with her husband and three boys. Mom, Grandma, Dusti and I went to Indy on Thursday. Good day just to spend the four of us. We shopped and ate out; and of course, stopped at a furniture store for Mom's project. I don't get to get involved much in the building process, so it was fun to watch her picking out furniture. The day was good. I think we all know with my grandma being 80 that the times we are able to do this are probably numbered. She still got around okay, but had to rest....And we, of course, play chauffeur and pick her up and drop her off at the entrances. It is so nice that she is still able to join us because it is not complete without her.

Last night, Dusti's family, B & C, Mom, Grandma and John came down for a last minute card night. Dusti's husband, Greg, won first place! We ordered pizza and everyone brought a dish--it turned out to be really yummy and a fun night. Glad we were able to all pull together for a fun-filled evening before Greg went back to Belgium. I ended up making broccoli salad from my garden-YUM. Fresh broccoli has no competition! Lily played around the house while we played cards. She was a fantastic entertainer.....And she entertained herself enough that we could play cards.

We also went to a BBQ on Friday night at a friend's house. John and Emily had the slip'n slide hooked up, along with little kids pool. The kids (there were 6 of them and everyone had a playmate about their age!) ran around outside and played in the water. The guys ended up after dinner on their patio with the kids. The girls sat in the screen in porch and chatted. It was a perfect summer BBQ.

I love being busy, but then I need a couple of down days....So today is that...a down day. It was supposed to rain. Honestly, I was looking forward to the rain so we would have a reason to stay inside! Sad, I know...But true.

I am realizing that I am to the point that people don't ask me about how I am coping any longer. It is an awkward spot to be in, somewhat. I am not obsessed with grieving any longer; and I think people are not sure what to say/ask. So, no one asks; and I don't feel like I should bring it up all the time.....I know people aren't forgetting (yet), but it is rough emotionally to be in the transition of people's lives moving on. Life does move on. It is a fact of life, but I hate it. It is discouraging knowing that most of the time, I am still the only one that is thinking about it. Even close friends and family don't ask me any longer how I am doing or what it feels like now....Someone recently who had lost a child twenty years ago told me that she felt so mad when people forgot and now I am understanding what she is saying. It is a slow process, but it hurts to see people moving on with life when I am not quite ready to do so. But again, I know that it is a fact of life. People do move on; some people will eventually forget. And, because it is a sensitive issue, if people do remember, they must not know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. It is new portion of the grieving process....One that indirectly hurts so badly that I am back to crying often. I guess it just a lonely place to be. Even though we have been so busy, at the end of the day, I am struck with grief because nothing had been mentioned, but my heart is still remembering and missing Daisy. I cannot believe she has been gone almost six months. Six months is half of the first (and hardest?) year.

Lily and Matt went to the zoo--I opted not to go since it is so hot. Must go get things done while they are out.

I am posting the Plum Tart in my Tried and True recipes (on the right hand side) that I made twice this weekend and everyone seemed to enjoy.

Where to start?

We have been insanely busy the last few days. We had a going away party for Zach. He left for the Marine Corp today. Father's Day was fun and eventful. Lily, Matt and I went raspberry picking and made jam. Emily, my longest forever friend, was here from Chicago. So, I took Lily up to the lake to visit with her yesterday. It has been fun, but I think I'll be recuperating for a couple of days....Just in time for Dusti, my aunt, to come into town. Dusti, Mom, Grandma, and I are planning a girl's day on Thursday. Fun things to keep life hopping! How do people work? HAHA.

Due to popular request, I'll be posting the crockpot pizza recipe this afternoon.

Matt and I are struggling.....Grieving differently is hard. There is something about the initial grief that brought us together. Then as time has gone on, it has gotten harder to understand each other's grief....Hard things in life.

How do you go move forward without forgetting some of the details? Some of the details will be forgotten because we are human. It is such a delicate thing.

Well, I must go get a couple of errands done, while Lily is awake and happy.

I know I keep saying this, but some days are just emotional....emotionally hard. I know some of it has to be due to hormones....Hormones that are still a little out of whack....I just feel like I could cry the day away today. And, some days the grief feelings are just stronger.

Thankfully, I had a haircut, then home to do some Trifle stuff, made dinner, and planning on walking tonight. So, I have kept busy. Busy enough that I cannot cry my day away!

Made crockpot pizza for dinner. I was short on pizza sauce, so I hope it is good and not dry.

Thinking I may run to the lake tomorrow.....Or go to Britney's pool. Either way, I need to have something on the calendar to get into/by water. It is supposed to be 85 and SUNNY! YEAH!

Off to figure out a salad.

The last few days have been a little rough, emotionally. Need to get myself out of the funk I am in.

Matt is out of town for the day. He'll be back later tonight, but Lily and I are on our own for the evening. Trying to decide if I should order dinner in or make grilled cheeses. Wish I had planned to do something fun with someone else tonight....Feel like getting out!

Cleaned most of the day....Have a headache from the fumes. Definitely need to get more GREEN products. Now that I am cleaning my house, I need to find products that are all natural!

Scott's used to carry a London Broil Roast Beef and now they are not carrying it any longer. I made this yummy appetizer using it and am trying to figure out what other roast beef would as yummy.....Does anyone know of one?

Off to figure out dinner. Lily is up and will be ready to eat....SOON.

Saturdays I am GRUMPY. Why is that? I know I have written about it before, but just cannot figure out why I tend to be a grouch.

One of my speculations today was that I keep it together (for the most part) in front of Lily all week. I tend to her, play with her, plan fun things to do with her. So, I cater to her all week. Along with that, I also cage my emotions for her. I don't cry much--I try to make our life fun and active and normal....Then, on Saturdays, I just need my alone time. I need some space. I announced to Matt this morning that EVERY SATURDAY I think I need to get out, by myself, for at least an hour. I need to be free. I know it is selfish, especially when we have a million jobs to do on Saturdays, but I think I just need it. Now, the real question is, do I need it because I am a stay at home mom? OR Do I need it because of the emotional trauma I have been through? I don't know the answer to that question. Maybe it is a little bit of both.

Making Laddie Cookies today. Laddie cookies are really just the Nieman Marcus Cookies. We renamed them Laddie cookies when I was growing up because our dog, Laddie, ate a batch of them....Raw. My mom had left them on the counter ready to bake and he was in the garage. Somehow he got in and ate all of them. Mom was SOOO mad at him....But now it is a fond memory. I made the whole batch.....IT MAKES ALOT! Now, I need to go bake them all and put them in the freezer. I had to laugh (for the first time today). I was making the whole batch (I usually only do the half) and my mixer was not big enough. It was overflowing. Check it out. I had to post the picture! If anyone wants the recipe, let me know and I'll post it.

Lily got the camera out the other day and insisted that I take a picture of her. Then she wanted to look at it, so I posted that too....She LOVED it....

Isaiah 41:10 NIV
"So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Matt helped me create a recipe page. Now I can post recipes that have recently tried or an old favorite. All four of us enjoyed the Easy Sole Meuniere last night. We took a vote and rated it a 8.3 (out of 10). Very easy and very good! We were all licking our lips. So, that recipe is now on the Tried and True page.

Trying to decide on an epitaph for Daisy's grave stone. We have it narrowed down to three, but haven't decided on the final one. It is so permanent...

Lil is waking through the night again---TEETH are driving me crazy. However, the end is near! I know those last molars will come through soon. Then we are done with teeth for awhile.

TIRED.

Was considering making cookies, but think I am going to wait until tomorrow. Would like to get some things made ahead to put in the freezer for the month at the lake.....Definitely need to get started on that! Need to make a list first, then go from there. I am making ribs tomorrow night, with my great grandma's rib sauce. I got the notion to make several batches of that tomorrow when I make ribs so that I can freeze some and then put it on top of stewed chicken or pork for BBQ sandwiches. Think I may have to stop and get garlic to do it. It is a definite emergency when my kitchen is garlic deprived!

Life has been BUSY the last few days. Almost too much so. Polly emailed a group of people and had a verse that I really enjoyed. I Thess 4:11, " Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you,"

I am instructed to make it my ambition to lead a quiet life. I like to be busy, but too busy does lead to ignoring God, the Bible, and prayer. I had too many things scheduled today (and the last several day which leads to craziness and barely squeaking by! I have enjoyed the busyness, it forces me not to mope. Not sure which is best at this point! I know I need to stay busy so that I don't hate not working, but I should probably schedule a day just to be at home too.

Got to see two Vb friends yesterday. One that is also a stay at home mom now and another that still works full time at Vb. Really good to see both and catch up with both. Seeing them does make me miss the camaraderie of working with so many great people. But, I think I am content right now. Not to mention, we have a month at the lake cottage coming up, so I am so glad I don't have to work so I am able to spend a month in a cottage! I am blessed. God has a plan.

Well, off to put Lily to bed and get my jobs done. Think mom and dad are in FWY today for cottage errands. Since they haven't seen Lily much, they are going to stop by. I think my dad misses her. Have a feeling they will stay for dinner. I am considering making Barefoot Contessa's Easy Sole Meuniere. Think it needs garlic though! I'll post if later if it is good.

It is getting easier to celebrate other people's joys. I realized today at Zach's graduation party that there was a sense of pride/happiness that would not have been there a couple of months ago. A couple of months ago, I would have been "happy" for him, but not actually shared some of the happiness. I was so deep in my own sorrow, that I could hardly see past it. Does that make sense? Anyway, it feels good to "feel" outside of myself.

Many people losing babies. Maybe I was not aware until now, but another person shared that her daughter lost a baby girl one year ago May 20 (Lily's bday). Oh, there is so much baby loss. Their child did not have a NICU around, so the baby only lived for an hour. To think how many hours I had with Daisy. Little bits of her personality shined through and we got to know and love her all the more. I should have been at the hospital more......I just didn't have the energy and I was caring for Lily......But I also did not know that I would have (only) 20 days with her.

Drew and Marissa were home (Jon too) for the party. It was so nice to visit with Marissa. Through Drew and Marissa's entire dating/married life, I have been pregnant, on bedrest, or grieving. This was one of the first times I felt like I actually just got to get to visit with her and talk to her like a normal person. It was really nice and I am looking forward to the years to come; getting to know her.

Lily got attached quickly to Uncle Jon. He made her laugh within seconds of us walking in the door. He is going to be such a fantastic dad one day. He took her downstairs and turned on some music and danced with Lily. She loved it. She kept asking for him by saying, "Uncle Jon, downstairs!" It is fun to see her have fun.

Still after a day of interaction and high emotions, there is still a sadness at the end of the day. A sense of loss that does not go away, but hides underneath the surface. People say that over time it surfaces less, but it still hurts.....I think I will believe it when I experience it. I have gotten to the point where I can go through the motions without crying all the time, but I don't know if that's truly progress.

PS Candace and Briton's ultrasound was inconclusive! We may have a surprise on our hands!

I watched many Barefoot Contessa episodes on the Food Network when I was on bedrest (it was the one of the only shows I would watch virtually every day). I kept thinking that maybe I could be like Julie in Julie & Julia and cook my way through Ina's cookbooks. I am not sure if I am THAT motivated to do so, but am definitely on a recipe trying kick using her cookbooks. (And that was one of the items on my rejuvenation list, so I am happy to be accomplishing it!)

Last night, I made the Spring Green Risotto. Man, was it ALOT of work....But very yummy. Below is the link:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/spring-green-risotto-recipe/index.html

I substituted garlic for the fennel because I don't care for fennel. And, if I made it again, I would only use 2-2 1/2 cups of leeks. Overall, delish!

I love a clean house; not working creates so many more messes though. Lily and I are using the house every day--breakfast, lunch, dinner, and many play times. It becomes so much more dirty. I think i have swept 3 times this week. UGH!

Off to take my shower. Mom, Dad, Briton, Matt and I are taking Candace out for her birthday tonight. We are going to Paula's and I am excited to eat at a nice restaurant, since it has been awhile!

Still tired today. Definitely have more motivation than yesterday afternoon, but tired.

Lily got her haircut today; then we took a walk around the block.

Candace finds out what she's having this afternoon. I am so excited to know! We are going to go register with her in the next week or so. Then, it is time to start planning showers!

This weekend is crazy. Zach is graduating, so we have lots planned with the Morris Family. Jon will be home from Alabama, so it will be good to see him.

Candace's birthday is also this weekend--Happy birthday, Candace!

We took Lily strawberry picking this week and there is a picture of her riding on the cart with the strawberries. She had so much fun eating them while we were picking them. She was covered in red strawberry juice!

Another friend of ours lost his job last week. I am praying for them as it was just an unfortunate series of events that has left him devastated and frustrated. However, his wife and I had a discussion about how this suffering has the potential for some godly growing. Praying that he will see that and take steps towards the LORD in this time. A good reminder to me that others are suffering in various ways and "in all things God works for the good of those who love him." (RM 8:28)

Energy, or lack thereof

The last few days I just have kept pushing and pushing myself (including today). Every evening I am beat beyond exhaustion. This afternoon, I am totally spent.

I know I shouldn't be, but I am totally frustrated. Frustrated to tears. I am tired and my body hurts. I know it is not a bug either. It is just constant physical labor that has lead me to the sofa. I want to be back to normal so badly, but it just isn't happening yet.

Lily threw up in the car today, twice. Not the flu--just something stuck in her throat. It led to several hours of cleanup, as you can imagine. I still cannot figure out how to get the carseat cover off. I spot cleaned it the best I could, but as soon as Matt gets home, I am hoping he can get it off so that we can wash it (even though the directions say not to--maybe that's why I can't get it off?)

I asked Matt to bring dinner home. I was going to try another Barefoot recipe, but just cannot even think about making dinner at the moment.

I was thinking earlier that if Daisy was living, she would probably be home by now. She would be living under our roof. I probably wouldn't be getting ANYTHING done :) due to having two little ones and no energy!!!

SO GOD--As i was writing this post, a friend dropped a quick email. Definitely helped calm my spirit. Note to self, when you are thinking of someone, drop them a note. It makes all the difference in the world!

Memorial Day Weekend

Went to Britney and Jake's house for a Memorial Day BBQ. I tried two of Barefoot Contessa's recipes. Roasted Shrimp Cocktail (recipe below) and her Ganache Cupcakes. Jake grilled the chicken and Britney made Mandrin Orange Salad. It was a yummy combo. Don't think I am going to keep the cupcake recipe...Too dense. But, the shrimp cocktail was a winner, even by Britney's girls.

They have a pool and it was 87 degrees in the pool. The rain held off so we got Lily in the pool and she did amazingly well for her first time. It was fun to see her and Matt swimming together with Jake and the girls. Britney and I got to sit in the lounge chairs and observe (and gopher for various items). The time goes so fast. I feel like I barely got to chat with Britney much at all!

Called the doctor yesterday because Lily was up virtually all night Saturday night. She was very restless and kept crying. We could not get her calmed down Saturday night or yesterday afternoon. We think it may have been teeth, but not sure.....Motrin did not do much good. Doing better, but still has her moments. Must be the combo of no pacifier and teething? Who knows.

Matt and I cleaned out our basement all day yesterday. We made LOTS of progress, but still have lots to do. During bedrest, everything that we could not deal with got THROWN down in the basement. There were piles of belongings everywhere. Not to mention, everything was so dusty. We organized; I bought an extra cabinet and so we were able to put things "away." I think Matt wants to start another section this afternoon. I am trying to get the gumption. May need a coffee if Matt wants to keep going today!

Roasted Shrimp Cocktail

2 lbs Shrimp (I used cooked)
1 T good olive oil
1/2 teas kosher salt
1/2 teas freshly ground pepper

For the Sauce:
1/2 cup Heinz chili sauce
1/2 cup Heniz Ketchup
3 T prepared horseradish
2 teas freshly squeezed lemon juice
1/2 teas Worcestershire sauce
1/4 teas Tabasco Sauce

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Toss shrimp with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast for 5-6 minutes until heated through.

For the sauce, combine all ingredients and serve as the dip.

(The cookbook actually has it made with raw shrimp. I used cooked shrimp, so the recipe is varied.) It was YUMMY!