Tomorrow and beyond

Tomorrow is a day I have been dreading for the whole year. In fact, I have been dreading the next 20 days for this entire year. Reliving memories is emotionally takes alot of energy...The memories have been with me all year, but Dec 1, things started to get a little more real again.

I feel lost on how to remember her, but how to make the day(s) not a pity-party. I did make a flourless chocolate torte(with the help of a friend and my mom--it's been a crazy day here). Thought I would eat a piece in remembrance of her birthday tomorrow.

I have received a few notes/messages from friends today--God's timing is fantastic. I was just sitting in my house all alone and another friend contacted me and let me know that she had Daisy on her calendar tomorrow to help her remember. I know God will meet me tomorrow too, but I am fearing it with all (well most) of my being.

There is an innate fear that I just cannot shake. I am scared of the pain to come. But I guess there cannot be advancement without a few strides of pain.

In BSF we have been studying about Perfect Peace. I just hope that God will provide perfect peace for me tomorrow...Off to take a nap before our dinner guests arrive.

December 2 and 3 have so far been easier. Guess the buildup about December 1 made it less bearable. Or, possibly it is because I am busy preparing for our annual Christmas party that we host.....The party is definitely a highlight and I am excited for it to arrive, but will be sad when it is over.

Currently making pumpkin pies, then on to my chocolate pies. I don't usually make pies, but am excited to have something different at the party.

Off to continue my baking frenzie...Asked Matt to take Lily out for pizza tonight so I can bake, but thinking that I should join them. Afterall, some of the girls offered to bring dishes (I rarely take them up on it) but I did this year. I usually LOVE doing it all as a gift to them....But, this year is different :)

My smart girl

December 1 is here. One of the many dreaded days. Just as expected, my heart hurts. I have to remind myself to breathe....The pain is great.

Lily is a smart cookie. That girl remembers things from months ago. During the summer when we were on a walk, The tornado siren sounded at noon. I told her about how sometimes it is a warning and we have to go the basement when we hear it.

Today, the tornado siren sounded and she said, "We go to the basement." It has been months since we've talked about it!!! I could not believe she remembered that we had to go the basement!!! I had to explain to her that today was only practice. However, she still wanted to be held. She said her baby was scared too....Oh my!

Off to work on my BSF homework. The lady at BSF today said that they loved it when Lily was there.....Wish they could see my disobedient 2 year old at home. Why are kids always better for others? I guess that is a good thing. I wouldn't want her to be down right naughty like she is at home right now!