I am missing FLORIDA. Matt and I made last minute plans to visit Florida for the week of Thanksgiving. It was warm, sunny, and as relaxing as it can be with a two year old in tow. A gracious someone allowed us to use a condo for the week. Lily made significant strides in swimming. By the end of the week, she was holding her breath, going under the water, and saying, "Mommy, look at me. That was a good one." Meaning, she went under water for more than a milisecond! It was very fun to watch her have fun. Matt and her played for hours in the pool, we got to eat out every night, and walked the beach (and to make sandcastles) daily. It was good for us to be as a family and to GET AWAY. To be honest, it was really nice not to celebrate a holiday. There was no pressure of cooking, getting dressed, being somewhere at a certain time. None of the hassle. Our Thanksgiving feast was at a local beach restaurant. I had peel and eat shrimp and Matt had blackened fish with fries. Very unorthodox. Very much what I needed.

Grief is irrational. And, so being unorthodox is what I needed to not be apart of this holiday. December is tomorrow. I have been fearing it all year. The month is beginning and the worst part of my bedrest was now. Excessive bleeding, daily trips to the doctor, an overnight hospital visit, severe cramps, holiday dramas, blah, blah, blah. However, there were several turning points in December while on bedrest too. Friends were stepping up and wrapping gifts, offering to help prepare Daisy's room, Bea offered to start cleaning once a week, my parents helped put some Christmas decor up, VB girls were still bringing meals twice a week, etc. I am attempting to remember the good. Sometimes though the irrational grief takes over and I just don't want to face the fact that it is December.

Matt and I (and Lily) put our tree up. Honestly, I just want to take it down. I don't want to do the holidays; if it weren't for Lily, I wouldn't participate in the holidays this year. I would not have decor up, I would not be buying gifts, I would not be going to holiday functions. BUT, I know that that is irrational. I know that I need to keep up some of the holiday traditions. Met with our counselor this morning. He confirmed that my irrational thoughts are normal. He also confirmed that I didn't HAVE to participate in everything. He encouraged me to celebrate the holidays, but do it in a smaller dose. It is going to be painful to have Daisy's birthdate so close to Christmas. Christmas is going to be hard. He encouraged me to endure some pain, but to allow myself to say no, if needed. Only tolerate a little. Next year and the next will be easier to participate more fully again. The confirmation that I needed to hear. I needed someone to tell me that it is okay to modify and do it with dignity:) and love.

Mac and Cheese

One of my indulgences is GRUYERE cheese. I love it. I cannot get enough of the Gruyere cheese. Seriously, I can just eat it. YUM. My favorite is Martha Stewart's mac and cheese made with Gruyere cheese. It is pricey, but a great recipe for the holidays.
I have copied and pasted it from Martha's website. It is under my favorite recipes tab on the left of my blog.

Henry is out of the NICU. Grandma is home from the hospital. Things are starting to look up. I am still very fidgety and cannot concentrate from the hype of last week. I am not sure if it is fear or nervous energy or what. I am not liking it, but the alternative is to take a sedative:) SO, I am trying to work through it. Thinking about going to yoga class tonight to help calm myself. I am not sure if that will work or not!

Think I am making leftovers for dinner. We made corn chowder from scratch on Saturday evening and it is sounding good for dinner. Maybe with a big salad. Maybe I will try a new recipe for dressing that I received from a friend in the mail today:)

When It Rains, it POURS!

I am totally numb. Literally and figuratively.

On Monday, Henry got transferred by a NICU team from DeKalb Hospital to Dupont Hospital to the NICU. Candace got released and was able to visit him several times this week. His bloodcounts--glucose, platelets, and white blood cells were not at the "normal" levels. So, they wanted to monitor him and make sure that he was improving. Thankfully, he improved and is probably going to go home in the next 24 hours. I got to visit him on a couple of occasions. Being in a NICU again was definitely traumatic. Ironically, last time we met with our counselor he encouraged me to go sometime. I told him I would probably only go back to the NICU if I knew someone there....I guess the "joke" was on me.

Was it hard to be back in the NICU again? YES. Sounds, smells (same soap smell), fears, doctors, feeding storage and regimens, talk of levels, etc. It was hard. However, when you love someone, you have to be strong and willing to walk with them through some of life. One of the sweetest moments all week was when Briton and Candace opened up to me about how this experience has helped them get a glimpse of what Matt and I have been through. Thankfully, they will not experience the loss because their baby Henry is coming home SOON. And, I am sorry they had to get a small understanding of the 20 days of NICU life that we experienced.

As I got home from the NICU on Tuesday, I realized that someone had broken into our house during the day. They took most electronics. IPODS, printers, computers, flat screen TVs.....However, with Henry in the NICU, the "stuff" that was taken did not affect me much. I am grateful that 1) I was not home 2) Lily and I are fine 3) No cash or jewelry was taken or anything else with sentimental value 4) I ordered a new printer for our business of selling recipe cards and it is AMAZING 5) My wonderful husband had everything backed up automatically every night so recovery on business files was simple.

To ice the cake, my grandma is in the hospital. Actually, she is being transferred to Lutheran in an ambulance this afternoon. I am devastated. I just hope she can pull through. Matt visited her today before her transfer and he said she was in good spirits. I love her and know that even at 81 years of age she is a strong woman. I am just praying that she can play a few more card games with me (as well as other activities!)

I truly think I am in shock. I am devastated by it all and yet thankfully God is providing a peace. My face and body are numb.

I am supposed to go to a show tonight for our recipe cards. The host of the house said I could just drop off a few things so I think that's what I am going to do.

Off to print MORE recipe cards. We got SO many orders this week. Now that our printer is up and running again, I must get them out in the mail!

Baby Post is HERE!!!! Candace had a rough delivery early Saturday morning. However, baby Henry Paul Post is here and doing well.

Thought seeing the baby for the first time would have some affect on me. It did. However, it was different than what I expected it to be. Because of the rough delivery, they have been watching his platelet count and kept having to stick him with the needle in his heel and legs. And poor Henry kept whimpering and crying. It was really tough for me to watch him go through that, since I had watched Daisy go through that over and over. The worst part is that Daisy had tubes down her throat so I did not hear her cry. When Henry was crying, I just kept thinking how much pain Daisy must have been in and we didn't hear it. I knew she was in pain and I knew she would have been crying if she could have. However, it is easier not to think about it when she was going through it, since I was pretty much helpless. They kept telling us when Daisy was in the NICU that she was on pain killers so she didn't feel it as much. BUT, I know she still was being poked and prodded more than you want your baby to be.

I am still processing the new baby in the family. I am truly happy for Briton and Candace. Lily is a little jealous, but will adjust. I struggle with the fact that Daisy would have been a perfect fit. Two girls and a boy. The three of them would have had so much fun. I am happy Lily finally has someone to play with though. She is always taking care of her baby doll: feeding her, changing her diaper, putting her to bed. So, to actually have a real baby to help take care of, then to have a cousin to play with will be fabulous. Briton and I did not have that growing up. All of our cousins were much younger. Even though Lily doesn't have a sibling, I am grateful that she is going to have a cousin. I can just imagine them at the lake swimming together and at Chritmas playing with each other's toys.....I cannot wait til Henry is able to PLAY!!!

Picture is of Briton holding his new son, Henry Paul Post 5 pounds, 10 ounces.

I love having a houseguest for a couple of days. It is fun to break up the mundane activities of life with a break in routine. My Aunt Dusti was here visiting and was supposed to stay with my grandma. However, Grandma has a really bad cold and so Dusti ended up staying with us for a couple of nights. It is nice to have someone else (another adult female) around; someone else to bounce things off of; someone to cook for; someone to stay up late and chat with. Now, she's gone.....And not sure when her next trip back will be. I would love to visit her in Belgium again. Not sure if I will get that opportunity or not. BUT, if I had my druthers, I would be planning my next trip.

After having the excitement of a houseguest, I am now finding myself a little lonely and wandering around the house without much purpose.