Thanks Polly for all the comments on the blog-love to hear from you and all always.

Wanted to post this picture of Lily tubing last week. Cannot believe she is tubing at TWO years old! LOVE IT. She is my true laker--she's got it in the blood. Talks about Lake Gage quite a bit.

Monday and Tuesday turned out to be a little crazy again. Today isn't quite so crazy, but we did have new concrete poured on the front stoop of our house. Our old one was deteriorating. And we have a birthday dinner tonight for John, Grandma's friend.

Am working on getting all our laundry done, as I need to start packing for our month at the cottage. I am really starting to get excited about it, since we are leaving soon. Want to get a few things made ahead, like hummus and homemade dressing. So, I am going to be working on those last minute things alot in the next week or so. YEAH for an affordable, MONTH long vacation. Perfect for my soul. Definitely will give me time to heal even more. Being at the lake has always been so much of my being that I know it will be a healthy thing to be there.

IS 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

Dusti is here....and we have been busy!

The week flew by....I cannot believe it is already Sunday.

My Aunt Dusti is here, with her husband and three boys. Mom, Grandma, Dusti and I went to Indy on Thursday. Good day just to spend the four of us. We shopped and ate out; and of course, stopped at a furniture store for Mom's project. I don't get to get involved much in the building process, so it was fun to watch her picking out furniture. The day was good. I think we all know with my grandma being 80 that the times we are able to do this are probably numbered. She still got around okay, but had to rest....And we, of course, play chauffeur and pick her up and drop her off at the entrances. It is so nice that she is still able to join us because it is not complete without her.

Last night, Dusti's family, B & C, Mom, Grandma and John came down for a last minute card night. Dusti's husband, Greg, won first place! We ordered pizza and everyone brought a dish--it turned out to be really yummy and a fun night. Glad we were able to all pull together for a fun-filled evening before Greg went back to Belgium. I ended up making broccoli salad from my garden-YUM. Fresh broccoli has no competition! Lily played around the house while we played cards. She was a fantastic entertainer.....And she entertained herself enough that we could play cards.

We also went to a BBQ on Friday night at a friend's house. John and Emily had the slip'n slide hooked up, along with little kids pool. The kids (there were 6 of them and everyone had a playmate about their age!) ran around outside and played in the water. The guys ended up after dinner on their patio with the kids. The girls sat in the screen in porch and chatted. It was a perfect summer BBQ.

I love being busy, but then I need a couple of down days....So today is that...a down day. It was supposed to rain. Honestly, I was looking forward to the rain so we would have a reason to stay inside! Sad, I know...But true.

I am realizing that I am to the point that people don't ask me about how I am coping any longer. It is an awkward spot to be in, somewhat. I am not obsessed with grieving any longer; and I think people are not sure what to say/ask. So, no one asks; and I don't feel like I should bring it up all the time.....I know people aren't forgetting (yet), but it is rough emotionally to be in the transition of people's lives moving on. Life does move on. It is a fact of life, but I hate it. It is discouraging knowing that most of the time, I am still the only one that is thinking about it. Even close friends and family don't ask me any longer how I am doing or what it feels like now....Someone recently who had lost a child twenty years ago told me that she felt so mad when people forgot and now I am understanding what she is saying. It is a slow process, but it hurts to see people moving on with life when I am not quite ready to do so. But again, I know that it is a fact of life. People do move on; some people will eventually forget. And, because it is a sensitive issue, if people do remember, they must not know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. It is new portion of the grieving process....One that indirectly hurts so badly that I am back to crying often. I guess it just a lonely place to be. Even though we have been so busy, at the end of the day, I am struck with grief because nothing had been mentioned, but my heart is still remembering and missing Daisy. I cannot believe she has been gone almost six months. Six months is half of the first (and hardest?) year.

Lily and Matt went to the zoo--I opted not to go since it is so hot. Must go get things done while they are out.

I am posting the Plum Tart in my Tried and True recipes (on the right hand side) that I made twice this weekend and everyone seemed to enjoy.

Where to start?

We have been insanely busy the last few days. We had a going away party for Zach. He left for the Marine Corp today. Father's Day was fun and eventful. Lily, Matt and I went raspberry picking and made jam. Emily, my longest forever friend, was here from Chicago. So, I took Lily up to the lake to visit with her yesterday. It has been fun, but I think I'll be recuperating for a couple of days....Just in time for Dusti, my aunt, to come into town. Dusti, Mom, Grandma, and I are planning a girl's day on Thursday. Fun things to keep life hopping! How do people work? HAHA.

Due to popular request, I'll be posting the crockpot pizza recipe this afternoon.

Matt and I are struggling.....Grieving differently is hard. There is something about the initial grief that brought us together. Then as time has gone on, it has gotten harder to understand each other's grief....Hard things in life.

How do you go move forward without forgetting some of the details? Some of the details will be forgotten because we are human. It is such a delicate thing.

Well, I must go get a couple of errands done, while Lily is awake and happy.

I know I keep saying this, but some days are just emotional....emotionally hard. I know some of it has to be due to hormones....Hormones that are still a little out of whack....I just feel like I could cry the day away today. And, some days the grief feelings are just stronger.

Thankfully, I had a haircut, then home to do some Trifle stuff, made dinner, and planning on walking tonight. So, I have kept busy. Busy enough that I cannot cry my day away!

Made crockpot pizza for dinner. I was short on pizza sauce, so I hope it is good and not dry.

Thinking I may run to the lake tomorrow.....Or go to Britney's pool. Either way, I need to have something on the calendar to get into/by water. It is supposed to be 85 and SUNNY! YEAH!

Off to figure out a salad.

The last few days have been a little rough, emotionally. Need to get myself out of the funk I am in.

Matt is out of town for the day. He'll be back later tonight, but Lily and I are on our own for the evening. Trying to decide if I should order dinner in or make grilled cheeses. Wish I had planned to do something fun with someone else tonight....Feel like getting out!

Cleaned most of the day....Have a headache from the fumes. Definitely need to get more GREEN products. Now that I am cleaning my house, I need to find products that are all natural!

Scott's used to carry a London Broil Roast Beef and now they are not carrying it any longer. I made this yummy appetizer using it and am trying to figure out what other roast beef would as yummy.....Does anyone know of one?

Off to figure out dinner. Lily is up and will be ready to eat....SOON.

Saturdays I am GRUMPY. Why is that? I know I have written about it before, but just cannot figure out why I tend to be a grouch.

One of my speculations today was that I keep it together (for the most part) in front of Lily all week. I tend to her, play with her, plan fun things to do with her. So, I cater to her all week. Along with that, I also cage my emotions for her. I don't cry much--I try to make our life fun and active and normal....Then, on Saturdays, I just need my alone time. I need some space. I announced to Matt this morning that EVERY SATURDAY I think I need to get out, by myself, for at least an hour. I need to be free. I know it is selfish, especially when we have a million jobs to do on Saturdays, but I think I just need it. Now, the real question is, do I need it because I am a stay at home mom? OR Do I need it because of the emotional trauma I have been through? I don't know the answer to that question. Maybe it is a little bit of both.

Making Laddie Cookies today. Laddie cookies are really just the Nieman Marcus Cookies. We renamed them Laddie cookies when I was growing up because our dog, Laddie, ate a batch of them....Raw. My mom had left them on the counter ready to bake and he was in the garage. Somehow he got in and ate all of them. Mom was SOOO mad at him....But now it is a fond memory. I made the whole batch.....IT MAKES ALOT! Now, I need to go bake them all and put them in the freezer. I had to laugh (for the first time today). I was making the whole batch (I usually only do the half) and my mixer was not big enough. It was overflowing. Check it out. I had to post the picture! If anyone wants the recipe, let me know and I'll post it.

Lily got the camera out the other day and insisted that I take a picture of her. Then she wanted to look at it, so I posted that too....She LOVED it....

Isaiah 41:10 NIV
"So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Matt helped me create a recipe page. Now I can post recipes that have recently tried or an old favorite. All four of us enjoyed the Easy Sole Meuniere last night. We took a vote and rated it a 8.3 (out of 10). Very easy and very good! We were all licking our lips. So, that recipe is now on the Tried and True page.

Trying to decide on an epitaph for Daisy's grave stone. We have it narrowed down to three, but haven't decided on the final one. It is so permanent...

Lil is waking through the night again---TEETH are driving me crazy. However, the end is near! I know those last molars will come through soon. Then we are done with teeth for awhile.

TIRED.

Was considering making cookies, but think I am going to wait until tomorrow. Would like to get some things made ahead to put in the freezer for the month at the lake.....Definitely need to get started on that! Need to make a list first, then go from there. I am making ribs tomorrow night, with my great grandma's rib sauce. I got the notion to make several batches of that tomorrow when I make ribs so that I can freeze some and then put it on top of stewed chicken or pork for BBQ sandwiches. Think I may have to stop and get garlic to do it. It is a definite emergency when my kitchen is garlic deprived!

Life has been BUSY the last few days. Almost too much so. Polly emailed a group of people and had a verse that I really enjoyed. I Thess 4:11, " Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you,"

I am instructed to make it my ambition to lead a quiet life. I like to be busy, but too busy does lead to ignoring God, the Bible, and prayer. I had too many things scheduled today (and the last several day which leads to craziness and barely squeaking by! I have enjoyed the busyness, it forces me not to mope. Not sure which is best at this point! I know I need to stay busy so that I don't hate not working, but I should probably schedule a day just to be at home too.

Got to see two Vb friends yesterday. One that is also a stay at home mom now and another that still works full time at Vb. Really good to see both and catch up with both. Seeing them does make me miss the camaraderie of working with so many great people. But, I think I am content right now. Not to mention, we have a month at the lake cottage coming up, so I am so glad I don't have to work so I am able to spend a month in a cottage! I am blessed. God has a plan.

Well, off to put Lily to bed and get my jobs done. Think mom and dad are in FWY today for cottage errands. Since they haven't seen Lily much, they are going to stop by. I think my dad misses her. Have a feeling they will stay for dinner. I am considering making Barefoot Contessa's Easy Sole Meuniere. Think it needs garlic though! I'll post if later if it is good.

It is getting easier to celebrate other people's joys. I realized today at Zach's graduation party that there was a sense of pride/happiness that would not have been there a couple of months ago. A couple of months ago, I would have been "happy" for him, but not actually shared some of the happiness. I was so deep in my own sorrow, that I could hardly see past it. Does that make sense? Anyway, it feels good to "feel" outside of myself.

Many people losing babies. Maybe I was not aware until now, but another person shared that her daughter lost a baby girl one year ago May 20 (Lily's bday). Oh, there is so much baby loss. Their child did not have a NICU around, so the baby only lived for an hour. To think how many hours I had with Daisy. Little bits of her personality shined through and we got to know and love her all the more. I should have been at the hospital more......I just didn't have the energy and I was caring for Lily......But I also did not know that I would have (only) 20 days with her.

Drew and Marissa were home (Jon too) for the party. It was so nice to visit with Marissa. Through Drew and Marissa's entire dating/married life, I have been pregnant, on bedrest, or grieving. This was one of the first times I felt like I actually just got to get to visit with her and talk to her like a normal person. It was really nice and I am looking forward to the years to come; getting to know her.

Lily got attached quickly to Uncle Jon. He made her laugh within seconds of us walking in the door. He is going to be such a fantastic dad one day. He took her downstairs and turned on some music and danced with Lily. She loved it. She kept asking for him by saying, "Uncle Jon, downstairs!" It is fun to see her have fun.

Still after a day of interaction and high emotions, there is still a sadness at the end of the day. A sense of loss that does not go away, but hides underneath the surface. People say that over time it surfaces less, but it still hurts.....I think I will believe it when I experience it. I have gotten to the point where I can go through the motions without crying all the time, but I don't know if that's truly progress.

PS Candace and Briton's ultrasound was inconclusive! We may have a surprise on our hands!

I watched many Barefoot Contessa episodes on the Food Network when I was on bedrest (it was the one of the only shows I would watch virtually every day). I kept thinking that maybe I could be like Julie in Julie & Julia and cook my way through Ina's cookbooks. I am not sure if I am THAT motivated to do so, but am definitely on a recipe trying kick using her cookbooks. (And that was one of the items on my rejuvenation list, so I am happy to be accomplishing it!)

Last night, I made the Spring Green Risotto. Man, was it ALOT of work....But very yummy. Below is the link:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/spring-green-risotto-recipe/index.html

I substituted garlic for the fennel because I don't care for fennel. And, if I made it again, I would only use 2-2 1/2 cups of leeks. Overall, delish!

I love a clean house; not working creates so many more messes though. Lily and I are using the house every day--breakfast, lunch, dinner, and many play times. It becomes so much more dirty. I think i have swept 3 times this week. UGH!

Off to take my shower. Mom, Dad, Briton, Matt and I are taking Candace out for her birthday tonight. We are going to Paula's and I am excited to eat at a nice restaurant, since it has been awhile!

Still tired today. Definitely have more motivation than yesterday afternoon, but tired.

Lily got her haircut today; then we took a walk around the block.

Candace finds out what she's having this afternoon. I am so excited to know! We are going to go register with her in the next week or so. Then, it is time to start planning showers!

This weekend is crazy. Zach is graduating, so we have lots planned with the Morris Family. Jon will be home from Alabama, so it will be good to see him.

Candace's birthday is also this weekend--Happy birthday, Candace!

We took Lily strawberry picking this week and there is a picture of her riding on the cart with the strawberries. She had so much fun eating them while we were picking them. She was covered in red strawberry juice!

Another friend of ours lost his job last week. I am praying for them as it was just an unfortunate series of events that has left him devastated and frustrated. However, his wife and I had a discussion about how this suffering has the potential for some godly growing. Praying that he will see that and take steps towards the LORD in this time. A good reminder to me that others are suffering in various ways and "in all things God works for the good of those who love him." (RM 8:28)

Energy, or lack thereof

The last few days I just have kept pushing and pushing myself (including today). Every evening I am beat beyond exhaustion. This afternoon, I am totally spent.

I know I shouldn't be, but I am totally frustrated. Frustrated to tears. I am tired and my body hurts. I know it is not a bug either. It is just constant physical labor that has lead me to the sofa. I want to be back to normal so badly, but it just isn't happening yet.

Lily threw up in the car today, twice. Not the flu--just something stuck in her throat. It led to several hours of cleanup, as you can imagine. I still cannot figure out how to get the carseat cover off. I spot cleaned it the best I could, but as soon as Matt gets home, I am hoping he can get it off so that we can wash it (even though the directions say not to--maybe that's why I can't get it off?)

I asked Matt to bring dinner home. I was going to try another Barefoot recipe, but just cannot even think about making dinner at the moment.

I was thinking earlier that if Daisy was living, she would probably be home by now. She would be living under our roof. I probably wouldn't be getting ANYTHING done :) due to having two little ones and no energy!!!

SO GOD--As i was writing this post, a friend dropped a quick email. Definitely helped calm my spirit. Note to self, when you are thinking of someone, drop them a note. It makes all the difference in the world!