December 2 and 3 have so far been easier. Guess the buildup about December 1 made it less bearable. Or, possibly it is because I am busy preparing for our annual Christmas party that we host.....The party is definitely a highlight and I am excited for it to arrive, but will be sad when it is over.

Currently making pumpkin pies, then on to my chocolate pies. I don't usually make pies, but am excited to have something different at the party.

Off to continue my baking frenzie...Asked Matt to take Lily out for pizza tonight so I can bake, but thinking that I should join them. Afterall, some of the girls offered to bring dishes (I rarely take them up on it) but I did this year. I usually LOVE doing it all as a gift to them....But, this year is different :)

My smart girl

December 1 is here. One of the many dreaded days. Just as expected, my heart hurts. I have to remind myself to breathe....The pain is great.

Lily is a smart cookie. That girl remembers things from months ago. During the summer when we were on a walk, The tornado siren sounded at noon. I told her about how sometimes it is a warning and we have to go the basement when we hear it.

Today, the tornado siren sounded and she said, "We go to the basement." It has been months since we've talked about it!!! I could not believe she remembered that we had to go the basement!!! I had to explain to her that today was only practice. However, she still wanted to be held. She said her baby was scared too....Oh my!

Off to work on my BSF homework. The lady at BSF today said that they loved it when Lily was there.....Wish they could see my disobedient 2 year old at home. Why are kids always better for others? I guess that is a good thing. I wouldn't want her to be down right naughty like she is at home right now!

I am missing FLORIDA. Matt and I made last minute plans to visit Florida for the week of Thanksgiving. It was warm, sunny, and as relaxing as it can be with a two year old in tow. A gracious someone allowed us to use a condo for the week. Lily made significant strides in swimming. By the end of the week, she was holding her breath, going under the water, and saying, "Mommy, look at me. That was a good one." Meaning, she went under water for more than a milisecond! It was very fun to watch her have fun. Matt and her played for hours in the pool, we got to eat out every night, and walked the beach (and to make sandcastles) daily. It was good for us to be as a family and to GET AWAY. To be honest, it was really nice not to celebrate a holiday. There was no pressure of cooking, getting dressed, being somewhere at a certain time. None of the hassle. Our Thanksgiving feast was at a local beach restaurant. I had peel and eat shrimp and Matt had blackened fish with fries. Very unorthodox. Very much what I needed.

Grief is irrational. And, so being unorthodox is what I needed to not be apart of this holiday. December is tomorrow. I have been fearing it all year. The month is beginning and the worst part of my bedrest was now. Excessive bleeding, daily trips to the doctor, an overnight hospital visit, severe cramps, holiday dramas, blah, blah, blah. However, there were several turning points in December while on bedrest too. Friends were stepping up and wrapping gifts, offering to help prepare Daisy's room, Bea offered to start cleaning once a week, my parents helped put some Christmas decor up, VB girls were still bringing meals twice a week, etc. I am attempting to remember the good. Sometimes though the irrational grief takes over and I just don't want to face the fact that it is December.

Matt and I (and Lily) put our tree up. Honestly, I just want to take it down. I don't want to do the holidays; if it weren't for Lily, I wouldn't participate in the holidays this year. I would not have decor up, I would not be buying gifts, I would not be going to holiday functions. BUT, I know that that is irrational. I know that I need to keep up some of the holiday traditions. Met with our counselor this morning. He confirmed that my irrational thoughts are normal. He also confirmed that I didn't HAVE to participate in everything. He encouraged me to celebrate the holidays, but do it in a smaller dose. It is going to be painful to have Daisy's birthdate so close to Christmas. Christmas is going to be hard. He encouraged me to endure some pain, but to allow myself to say no, if needed. Only tolerate a little. Next year and the next will be easier to participate more fully again. The confirmation that I needed to hear. I needed someone to tell me that it is okay to modify and do it with dignity:) and love.